HEARING THE MESSAGE

I enjoy reading fiction, but one of my favorite non-fiction authors is Deborah Tannen, a Georgetown University Professor of Linguistics. Her book, "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND," became a 1980s classic due to its excellent explanation of how men and women process information differently. Her premise is true: men and women don't always hear the same message in the same words.

Dr. Tannen has written several other books, and one I am now reading is, "I ONLY SAY THIS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU," in which she explains how our conversation affects our relationships. She writes quite clearly on a topic that could be boring, but is surprisingly interesting and even humorous.

In our conversations, she says we need to realize there is both a message and a  "meta-message" The message is what we say out loud. The meta-message is the unstated meaning we glean from what is said. The message is the "word meaning," while the meta-message is the "heart meaning." The meta-message is often what triggers the most emotion.

For example, when a mother begins her conversation with, "I only say this because I love you," the daughter may know immediately she will be criticized, perhaps about her looks or behavior. The mother truly wants to help her daughter to improve and believes her meta-message will be heard. Her daughter, however, focuses on the message itself which comes across as criticism.

Reading good literature on how we relate to each other can help us avoid pitfalls in our relationships, especially those in the family. Looking past the initial words and realizing there may be another message won't eliminate pitfalls, but it can help us avoid them.

It can also help us in understanding God's Word. I often hear people say they don't understand the Bible, that its stories or passages are too difficult. Some parts of the Bible are indeed more difficult than others. But sometimes our inability to understand can come from our experiences or our unwillingness to look beyond the words themselves.

For example, one child hearing Jesus' prayer in Matthew 6, "Our Father who art in heaven…." would envision a wonderful God based on a loving earthly father. Another child, however, might see God as angry or hateful, based on an abusive earthly father.

Many people distance themselves from God's Word due to negative experiences in life. When something reminds us of physical or emotional pain, we naturally will back away from it. Other people, though, find the goodness of God explained in the Bible helps them get past a particular pain they've felt in life.

I urge you to consider how you relate to the Bible and why. Is there something blocking your need to read His Word? Is there a way to remove that block so that you can better hear what He is saying to you?

And in your close relationships, is there an important message you may be missing because you are considering only the words?

Jesus does understand. He gave us His Word because He loves us.